


Cartdashian

by orphan_account



Series: One-Shots [4]
Category: South Park
Genre: Alternate Universe - Middle School, Coming Out, Genderfluid Character, Groping, Making Out, Middle School, Other, Seduction, Sex Education
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-18
Updated: 2015-03-18
Packaged: 2018-03-18 12:41:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,033
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3570080
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In a bizarre attempt to impress Butters, Cartman goes to school dressed as Kim Kardashian.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Cartdashian

The boys stood at the bus stop one morning. Stan tapped his foot, humming as he waited for the bus. Kyle looked at Stan. "Stan, how did you impress Wendy?"  
Stan shrugged. "I dunno, dude. Why?"  
Kyle hissed awkwardly. "Well... I kinda have a crush on Bebe."  
"You guys know who I like?" Cartman asked, his chins quivering as he spoke. "I like Butters."  
"We know that, fat boy." Kyle said flatly, staring at Cartman.  
"I'm not fat, I'm just curvy. Anyway, Stan, how do I get his attention?"  
"How am I s'posed to know, dude?" Stan said, voice cracking.  
"Well, how did Wendy get your attention?" Cartman asked.  
Stan thought for a moment. "Well, she's pretty... she kinda looks like Meredith Brooks. I like Meredith Brooks."  
Cartman snapped his fingers. "That's IT! All I have to do is dress up like Kim Kardashian! Butters loves her!"  
And with that, he ran home to change.  
Five minutes later, Cartman up in a curve hugging lacy negligee, a pushup bra, makeup, high heels, and a long black wig. His soft, fleshy hips practically split the sides of the dress. The boys gawked at him.  
"Jesus, dude!" Stan stared.  
"Fuck, Eric, you look like some kinda street walker." Kenny giggled, admiring Cartman's body.  
"Guys. Eyes up here." Cartman motioned towards his clumpy, mascara covered eyelashes and bright-purple eyelids.  
The bus pulled up. The four boys got on, Cartman swinging his curvy hips as he walked. He sat down gracefully, right in front of Butters.  
"K-Kim? Kim Kardashian? Fellas, Kim Kardashian is on this bus!" Butters shouted. "Oh Kim, I love you so much..."  
"Oh, thank you..." Cartman said.  
"...Eric? Wow...you look just like Kim Kardashian. So sexy..."  
Cartman was flattered.  
Butters and Cartman didn't see each other again until fourth period, right after lunch. They both had Mr. Mackey for Biology, and this week they'd been learning about reproduction--human reproduction. Or as most of the other eighth graders would call it, sex ed. That day, the class was learning about pregnancy.  
"So after the man puts his penis into the woman's vagina, m'kay, a baby can form, m'kay. And the woman's belly gets big when she gets pregnant."  
"Mr. Mackey," Butters raised his hand, "I have a question."  
"M'kay, Butters, ask your question."  
"Is Eric pregnant?"  
The whole class laughed except for Butters, Mr. Mackey, and Cartman.  
"Why do you think Eric is pregnant?"  
"Well, his tummy keeps getting bigger. Look at it today, it's huge!" Butters patted Cartman's protruding midsection.  
"No, Butters, Eric is not pregnant. You see,Eric is a boy. Boys can't get pregnant."  
"Hey, shut up! I can get pregnant if I want!" Cartman yelled. "And anyway, boys have gotten pregnant before. Some Hawaiian dude did it."  
Mr. Mackey ignored Cartman. "Women get pregnant because they have breasts--"  
"Eric has breasts too!" Butters shouted. "They're really pretty."  
"You... think I'm pretty?" Cartman asked, looking at Butters.  
"Of course I do, Eric..." Butters said, his grey-teal eyes smiling. "You're one of the most beautiful people I've ever seen, and you look so sexy dressed like Kim Kardashian."  
Eric tossed himself onto Butters' desk. "Oh, Butters... I've had a crush on you since kindergarten. You like me back?"  
"Yeah..." Butters said. "Can...can I kiss you?"  
"Yes! Oh my fucking god, yes!" Cartman said, tearing up with excitement.  
The two's lips met, Cartman's soft and coated with lip jelly. Butters could taste the strawberry-flavored makeup on Cartman's mouth. It was so sweet. He pressed his lips against Cartman even harder, smooching his love. Pulling away, Butters asked Eric another question. "Can I...can I touch your breasts?"  
"Butters, Butters, Butters. You can touch me all over."  
The rest of the class and Mr. Mackey stared in horror as Butters undid Cartman's pushup bra and caressed the rotund lumps of his chest. Butters stroked the puffy pink nipples, making Eric moan. Then Butters squeezed Cartman's boobs. And that's when it happened.  
Cartman started to lactate.  
The milk squirted Mr. Mackey in the face, knocking off his glasses. It sprayed into Butters' mouth, and he tasted it. It was slightly sweet.  
"M'kay, boys, this kind of behavior is unacceptable! You are going to the principal's office!"  
Butters and Cartman held hands and skipped down to the principal's office.  
Cartman looked up at Butters. "You know, I'd never kissed a boy before..."  
Butters sat down next to Cartman. "I feel kinda nice in my wiener..."  
Cartman giggled. "Butters, I'm making you hot, aren't I?"  
"Well, no, I don't have a temperature...at least, I don't think I do..."  
Cartman groaned. "No, I meant...you know what...never mind. I think the principal's calling us in."  
The two nervously stepped into the principal's office and sat down. Cartman bit his bottom lip as Butters began to speak. "Principal Garrison, I can explain."  
"I should've known it was you two..." Garrison smirked. "Butters, Eric, I've known you for five years. And frankly, I'm not shocked one bit."  
"You're not?" Cartman yelped, somewhat relieved.  
"Of course not! I have pretty accurate gaydar, you know. And there's a reason I became the principal here the same year that you started sixth grade. You see, I figured out I was gay in middle school. I'm a wreck. And I don't want that to happen to either of you."  
Butters had started to tear up, he was so moved. Cartman was somewhat annoyed.  
"So how long do we have detention? A month? A year?" Cartman sighed.  
"Don't sound so desperate, Eric. I'm letting you two off the hook. You're doing the same thing straight kids do. It's really not a problem."  
"Really?" Cartman squealed.  
"Did I stutter?" Garrison asked, eyebrows raised.  
Butters and Cartman burst out of the principal's office, incredibly relieved. "I love you, Eric..."  
"I love you too, Butters."  
"Eric, would you...be my boyfriend?"  
"Only sometimes."  
"Sometimes?"  
"Sometimes I'll be your girlfriend." Cartman smiled. "Butters, I'm genderfluid."  
Butters grinned. "Are you my boyfriend or my girlfriend right now?"  
"I'm your girlfriend." Cartman giggled, turning around to go to sixth period.  
Butters smiled. "Okay! See you, sweetiecakes!"  
Cartman waved back. "See you, Butters."  
Cartman had never been happier.


End file.
